Sunday, July 11, 2010
Thursday, August 13, 2009
I Cried Today
I cried today
Tears from the past
They have been stored away
For this day I guess
My life is a shambles
I feel all is lost
I cannot remember
What I cannot forget
I am a man
Supposed to be strong
But my strength is long gone
I have only pretended
To be who is me
I looked at some pictures
Confirmed my fears
I suffer in silence
I am all alone
I have tried to tell you
You would not listen
You say I feel shame
That I am guilty
I reflect on your words
And know that your right
But the guilt I carry
Is only fright
How can a child know
That someday they will grow
To live independently
To be on their own
That they will have an identity
That is all their own
Instead, I have struggled
To be something I’m not
Like a leaf in the breeze
I would change my identity
Seeking approval
To belong
To stop the yelling
So I wouldn’t be wrong
To be who they wanted
To feel like I was needed
My quilt is my shame
They are one and same
But both have no name
Today I am punished
For things I did not do
For someone who I am not
My words I know have hurt others
I have turned my back on many
I know they have wondered why
What they do not know
I have wished I could die
It is not out of shame
Nor my actions too
It is because I do not know
How to love them too
I am afraid for you to know
I do not want to relive my past
I have kept it hidden away
Hoping it would pass
I can see where it started
A house on a block
My window still is there
Where I would look out
Something happened inside that home
In total I probably will never know
I wish I could go back there
Go back in time
Not as a child, but as a man
Tears from the past
They have been stored away
For this day I guess
My life is a shambles
I feel all is lost
I cannot remember
What I cannot forget
I am a man
Supposed to be strong
But my strength is long gone
I have only pretended
To be who is me
I looked at some pictures
Confirmed my fears
I suffer in silence
I am all alone
I have tried to tell you
You would not listen
You say I feel shame
That I am guilty
I reflect on your words
And know that your right
But the guilt I carry
Is only fright
How can a child know
That someday they will grow
To live independently
To be on their own
That they will have an identity
That is all their own
Instead, I have struggled
To be something I’m not
Like a leaf in the breeze
I would change my identity
Seeking approval
To belong
To stop the yelling
So I wouldn’t be wrong
To be who they wanted
To feel like I was needed
My quilt is my shame
They are one and same
But both have no name
Today I am punished
For things I did not do
For someone who I am not
My words I know have hurt others
I have turned my back on many
I know they have wondered why
What they do not know
I have wished I could die
It is not out of shame
Nor my actions too
It is because I do not know
How to love them too
I am afraid for you to know
I do not want to relive my past
I have kept it hidden away
Hoping it would pass
I can see where it started
A house on a block
My window still is there
Where I would look out
Something happened inside that home
In total I probably will never know
I wish I could go back there
Go back in time
Not as a child, but as a man
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Bigger Than Me?
Life simply put
simply is not fair
Truth is however
We each are responsible
A cowards game is played out
Is that not fair?
If you bear bad feelings
Think you know me
Why don't you call me
Say what you mean
You know you do harm
Speaking behind me
You take away things
I'll never see
You play a cowards game
So what do you fear
Your words are the truth
There should be no dispute
So get in my face, lets see what we see
Or are you too scared and worried about me?
Surely not, that I am sure
Your fear is your own weight to bear
Inside you know that you may be wrong
What price should you pay for your hurtful song?
One day you will know
You'll have to face
It will not be my disgrace
Time for a Make-Over
Some people once said
I am a nobody
I was nothing
You know they were right
I wanted to believe I was
I certainly thought I was
They taught me a lesson that day
It took a while to sink in
I am not here to please
I am not here for you
I am here for me
If I help you
I help you because I want to
If I please you
I please you because I want to
I don't have to impress
Though I feel I do
If I impress you
It's only because I wanted to
You don't like me
Who cares?
Who are you?
Who am I?
Today I found
I have a stone
It's not my heart
But it will do
If you care about me
Perhaps I'll care about you
I'm sorry if you feel it must be my lead
Today, I've decided to wait
I am nobody as are you
I am nothing as you too
You don't like me
It's only because
You don't know me
And I don't know you
While we wait and ponder the truth
I'll just keep my stone
Go F^%$ Yourselves
I am tired of being the good guy with a bad guy label. Tired of people who are too afraid to say what they believe or have heard. Tired of people telling me that I am feeling sorry for myself. Well, here's a clue everyone; perhaps I am. Perhaps I am angry too. Truth is I need a release. I need to quit carrying this excess baggage. I think I'm on my way.
No, instead I find that I am supposed to just suck it up. The only problem with that is I have been doing so since I have been at LEAST FIVE and my cup has long overflowed. I have never had any meaningful conversation about me or the things that I have gone through with ANYONE. YOU KNOW WHY? WELL, lets see....first off there is the feeling sorry for myself. Oh, he only wants someone to pity him, how weak. Do you think you are the only one out there that has had to deal with things? Do you not realize that you have had it easy buddy, so pull your head out of your ass. Oh, well at his age, his inability to get beyond the past indicates that there are underlying factors that make him a very SCARY person. Oh, there must be so much more to this.
The list goes on and yet here I still am. Looking around and wondering what the hell is going on. I guess I still live in some Disney Land pretend place. Perhaps that is the real problem. Trust me, I know. I am two people. No, not bipolar or to some a freak or whatever comes to mind. Two people, a kid and a man. I managed million dollar software development efforts, repaired multi-million dollar aircraft of which peoples lives depended and I did this successfully. I could feel the ragged edge of my inner self when I supervised personnel. I still managed to get buy, but for me was the hardest thing to do. All along I did pretty damn well keeping up a house and raising a child. Yet, this does not matter. Inside, dominating my inner emotions is a child. A scared child. I hate this person more than anything in the world, but cannot get rid of him.
His fear, his insecurities have dominated my life. Even worse for me are his ways of dealing with these things, to hide and isolate myself.
A few weeks ago I was feeling pretty good. I regressed a bit but was coming back around when for the first time in many years someone flirted with me. Alarm bells went off in my head that I needed to kindly push them away, but like an idiot, I did not. Her flirtation and advances were very strong and after feeling her out more I decided that they were beyond a chance encounter if by only a little bit. I rejected my gut instincts and failed by returning her advances and let things go. It was beautiful. I hadn't felt this way in such a long time. However, a great divide inside grew over the next two days. One half desperately wanted to continue, to let things move forward, where the other wanted to stop. Not to stop it as in that is it. But instead, to put things on a pause and open my heart to her fully. I needed to show her everything inside, otherwise I felt that I would fail her as I did my wife. I really didn't know what her reaction would be, but in the end it was what I would have expected when I first met my wife to be.
Each day of my life I see the things I believe, verified. Perhaps they are self fulfilling. Perhaps they are not. I can surely say there some who think that I am full of shit, a fraud. So be it. Perhaps I am. Perhaps I am some super conman, manipulating liar. The only question I have for them is, to what end? What is it that I am seeking? How much good have you done, how many sacrifices have you made in your lifetime? What was your motivation? I can tell you this, you might be very surprised.
I'll tell you another thing that I have come to understand. Far more people would lie to your face or say nothing at all rather than risk speaking the truth. Three very close people in my life have exercised that option. To what end there? Are you afraid to reveal your true feelings? I can say that many are afraid to open some doors because they might find out that they were wrong and would have to deal directly with the things they may have said and done based on those beliefs. To be judged.
I have finally come to terms with myself and have accepted one truth - There is no person here for us, we only have God.
I cannot wait until he comes for me.
No, instead I find that I am supposed to just suck it up. The only problem with that is I have been doing so since I have been at LEAST FIVE and my cup has long overflowed. I have never had any meaningful conversation about me or the things that I have gone through with ANYONE. YOU KNOW WHY? WELL, lets see....first off there is the feeling sorry for myself. Oh, he only wants someone to pity him, how weak. Do you think you are the only one out there that has had to deal with things? Do you not realize that you have had it easy buddy, so pull your head out of your ass. Oh, well at his age, his inability to get beyond the past indicates that there are underlying factors that make him a very SCARY person. Oh, there must be so much more to this.
The list goes on and yet here I still am. Looking around and wondering what the hell is going on. I guess I still live in some Disney Land pretend place. Perhaps that is the real problem. Trust me, I know. I am two people. No, not bipolar or to some a freak or whatever comes to mind. Two people, a kid and a man. I managed million dollar software development efforts, repaired multi-million dollar aircraft of which peoples lives depended and I did this successfully. I could feel the ragged edge of my inner self when I supervised personnel. I still managed to get buy, but for me was the hardest thing to do. All along I did pretty damn well keeping up a house and raising a child. Yet, this does not matter. Inside, dominating my inner emotions is a child. A scared child. I hate this person more than anything in the world, but cannot get rid of him.
His fear, his insecurities have dominated my life. Even worse for me are his ways of dealing with these things, to hide and isolate myself.
A few weeks ago I was feeling pretty good. I regressed a bit but was coming back around when for the first time in many years someone flirted with me. Alarm bells went off in my head that I needed to kindly push them away, but like an idiot, I did not. Her flirtation and advances were very strong and after feeling her out more I decided that they were beyond a chance encounter if by only a little bit. I rejected my gut instincts and failed by returning her advances and let things go. It was beautiful. I hadn't felt this way in such a long time. However, a great divide inside grew over the next two days. One half desperately wanted to continue, to let things move forward, where the other wanted to stop. Not to stop it as in that is it. But instead, to put things on a pause and open my heart to her fully. I needed to show her everything inside, otherwise I felt that I would fail her as I did my wife. I really didn't know what her reaction would be, but in the end it was what I would have expected when I first met my wife to be.
Each day of my life I see the things I believe, verified. Perhaps they are self fulfilling. Perhaps they are not. I can surely say there some who think that I am full of shit, a fraud. So be it. Perhaps I am. Perhaps I am some super conman, manipulating liar. The only question I have for them is, to what end? What is it that I am seeking? How much good have you done, how many sacrifices have you made in your lifetime? What was your motivation? I can tell you this, you might be very surprised.
I'll tell you another thing that I have come to understand. Far more people would lie to your face or say nothing at all rather than risk speaking the truth. Three very close people in my life have exercised that option. To what end there? Are you afraid to reveal your true feelings? I can say that many are afraid to open some doors because they might find out that they were wrong and would have to deal directly with the things they may have said and done based on those beliefs. To be judged.
I have finally come to terms with myself and have accepted one truth - There is no person here for us, we only have God.
I cannot wait until he comes for me.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Glad you are better!
So glad you are better. I was a worried Brother! Stay healthy so you can come for
Christmas. Love your Sister
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Hide and Seek
I tried to copy the original video, but it was blocked. Check this artist out...She is similar to kt Tunstall. I love this song Pat.
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