Go F^%$ Yourselves

I am tired of being the good guy with a bad guy label. Tired of people who are too afraid to say what they believe or have heard. Tired of people telling me that I am feeling sorry for myself. Well, here's a clue everyone; perhaps I am. Perhaps I am angry too. Truth is I need a release. I need to quit carrying this excess baggage. I think I'm on my way.

No, instead I find that I am supposed to just suck it up. The only problem with that is I have been doing so since I have been at LEAST FIVE and my cup has long overflowed. I have never had any meaningful conversation about me or the things that I have gone through with ANYONE. YOU KNOW WHY? WELL, lets see....first off there is the feeling sorry for myself. Oh, he only wants someone to pity him, how weak. Do you think you are the only one out there that has had to deal with things? Do you not realize that you have had it easy buddy, so pull your head out of your ass. Oh, well at his age, his inability to get beyond the past indicates that there are underlying factors that make him a very SCARY person. Oh, there must be so much more to this.

The list goes on and yet here I still am. Looking around and wondering what the hell is going on. I guess I still live in some Disney Land pretend place. Perhaps that is the real problem. Trust me, I know. I am two people. No, not bipolar or to some a freak or whatever comes to mind. Two people, a kid and a man. I managed million dollar software development efforts, repaired multi-million dollar aircraft of which peoples lives depended and I did this successfully. I could feel the ragged edge of my inner self when I supervised personnel. I still managed to get buy, but for me was the hardest thing to do. All along I did pretty damn well keeping up a house and raising a child. Yet, this does not matter. Inside, dominating my inner emotions is a child. A scared child. I hate this person more than anything in the world, but cannot get rid of him.

His fear, his insecurities have dominated my life. Even worse for me are his ways of dealing with these things, to hide and isolate myself.

A few weeks ago I was feeling pretty good. I regressed a bit but was coming back around when for the first time in many years someone flirted with me. Alarm bells went off in my head that I needed to kindly push them away, but like an idiot, I did not. Her flirtation and advances were very strong and after feeling her out more I decided that they were beyond a chance encounter if by only a little bit. I rejected my gut instincts and failed by returning her advances and let things go. It was beautiful. I hadn't felt this way in such a long time. However, a great divide inside grew over the next two days. One half desperately wanted to continue, to let things move forward, where the other wanted to stop. Not to stop it as in that is it. But instead, to put things on a pause and open my heart to her fully. I needed to show her everything inside, otherwise I felt that I would fail her as I did my wife. I really didn't know what her reaction would be, but in the end it was what I would have expected when I first met my wife to be.

Each day of my life I see the things I believe, verified. Perhaps they are self fulfilling. Perhaps they are not. I can surely say there some who think that I am full of shit, a fraud. So be it. Perhaps I am. Perhaps I am some super conman, manipulating liar. The only question I have for them is, to what end? What is it that I am seeking? How much good have you done, how many sacrifices have you made in your lifetime? What was your motivation? I can tell you this, you might be very surprised.

I'll tell you another thing that I have come to understand. Far more people would lie to your face or say nothing at all rather than risk speaking the truth. Three very close people in my life have exercised that option. To what end there? Are you afraid to reveal your true feelings? I can say that many are afraid to open some doors because they might find out that they were wrong and would have to deal directly with the things they may have said and done based on those beliefs. To be judged.

I have finally come to terms with myself and have accepted one truth - There is no person here for us, we only have God.

I cannot wait until he comes for me.