I Cried Today

I cried today
Tears from the past
They have been stored away
For this day I guess
My life is a shambles
I feel all is lost
I cannot remember
What I cannot forget
I am a man
Supposed to be strong
But my strength is long gone
I have only pretended
To be who is me
I looked at some pictures
Confirmed my fears
I suffer in silence
I am all alone
I have tried to tell you
You would not listen
You say I feel shame
That I am guilty
I reflect on your words
And know that your right
But the guilt I carry
Is only fright
How can a child know
That someday they will grow
To live independently
To be on their own
That they will have an identity
That is all their own
Instead, I have struggled
To be something I’m not
Like a leaf in the breeze
I would change my identity
Seeking approval
To belong
To stop the yelling
So I wouldn’t be wrong
To be who they wanted
To feel like I was needed
My quilt is my shame
They are one and same
But both have no name
Today I am punished
For things I did not do
For someone who I am not
My words I know have hurt others
I have turned my back on many
I know they have wondered why
What they do not know
I have wished I could die
It is not out of shame
Nor my actions too
It is because I do not know
How to love them too
I am afraid for you to know
I do not want to relive my past
I have kept it hidden away
Hoping it would pass
I can see where it started
A house on a block
My window still is there
Where I would look out
Something happened inside that home
In total I probably will never know
I wish I could go back there
Go back in time
Not as a child, but as a man